Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

After some confusion about the rules of association football, Australia is slowly learning that it is much easier to facilitate wins with 11 men on the pitch. Initially, the Aussie’s showed up to South Africa with Pim Verbeek’s famed 4-3-2 formation. Now, it has come to light in the Aussie camp that they are actually allowed one more field player. “It’s news to us” said captain Lucas Neill before adding that it actually “makes a lot of sense when you think about it”. Verbeek, labeled Pimbecile for good reason by the Australian media, bemoaned the fact that the other countries in the Asian confederation did little to discourage Australia from completing the grueling qualification in such a manner without telling them. “In Oceania we would just show up and play with whoever was around. Qualification? For what, the World Cup? You have to qualify for this thing?” The Japanese delegation quickly came to the defense of itself and the other Asian World Cup participants. “We were careful not to insult the intelligence of our guests from Down Under. Plus, we really needed a point from that tie.” Australia, which tied Ghana 1-1, is now looking forward to playing at the 2010 World Cup with eleven men for the first time when they face Serbia on Wednesday.

Robin Van Persie and Wesley Sneijder came to some sort of accord as Holland out maneuvered a quality Japan 1-0. Famous for hating each other’s guts because of a disputed free kick in a 2008 European Championship game against Russia that the Dutch ended up losing. It turns out that the feud actually originated from an argument over how old 26 year-old Arjen Robben actually appears. Van Persie’s optimism set Robben’s years at roughly 57 while Sneijder pegged the Munich star at a ridiculous 138 years old. Thankfully, the disagreement was finally settled when team captain Gio van Bronkhorst took the three of them to a carnival where a professional age guesser, proving both parties wrong, accurately identified Robben as Lance Armstrong. The truce was short lived as the topic of conversation quickly turned to the age of Wayne Rooney.

If I told you that Ribery and Robben were both “Boars” in the Chinese Zodiac
calendar, would you guess that they were born around 1983 or 1971?

The Danish were lucky enough to eliminate Cameroon who, in all fairness, thought they were on the way to getting eleven danishes before playing against a country called Denmark. When they were informed about the mistranslation, the Africans could hardly take their opponents seriously. After going up a goal, Cameroon did everything in their power to make sure Denmark would come away with all three points. In line with his recent nonchalance, after the game Samuel Eto’o was less upset about losing than he was about not receiving a pre-match pastry.
Fabio Cannavaro scored a brilliant 8th minute goal against Italy to give the Kiwis a well-deserved tie against reigning champion, Italy. Cannavaro, who recently acquired his New Zealand citizenship before the World Cup, donned a Savoy blue jersey in order to camouflage himself among the Italian defenders. Kiwi goalkeeper Mark Paston did his best Gigi Buffon impression to deliver a huge blow to Italy’s hopes of advancing at the top of the group. The moment of the match came during Vincenzo Iaquinta’s goal celebration when he pointed to his nose and Daniele De Rossi, who earned the soft penalty, came and blew on Iaquinta’s face. Vincenzo Iaquinta, like many of us, has his own vuvuzela directly attached to his face above his mouth. This was cleverly interpreted by the Italians as an opportunity show respect to the host nation while at the same time poking fun at themselves.
De Rossi: “How come this one only makes noise for only a few minutes of the game?”
Paraguay rolled over a toothless Slovakia to increase the South American winning percentage at this year’s World Cup. The quiet storm now leads group F and will top the group with a win over a feisty New Zealand squad. South American teams are 7-0-2 so far and are truly making the case that the Southern Hemisphere is their dominion.
Brazil outclassed Ivory Coast 3-1 to progress to the second round. With Brazil leading 1-0, striker Luis Fabiano danced his way through the Ivorian penalty area before finally settling the ball with his arm…twice. He claimed it was unintentional, but then lied to the referee when asked if it was a handball. Upon the player’s reaction, the referee at least seemed relieved to make the right call. That goal, deflating a feisty Ivorian clan, completely changed the complexion of the match and Brazil made it 3-0 shortly after. Had the yellow been properly shown to Luis Fabiano (aka Thierry Henrinho), it would have been a different result. Then something extraordinary happened…


These sorts of situations are usually good for a strange remix or two.
At the end of the match, Kader Keita ran as fast as he could into the rear of Kaka’ (the Tim Tebow of football). Keita hit the deck, and before Kaka’ could even turn around, Keita was writhing around on the ground like a b*tch. Just like that, all the moral high ground from Brazil’s handball goal had dissolved. Left was an amateurish and embarrassing display that didn’t affect the game at all save for the dismissal of a fairly classy individual. Having literally been crapped all over by having been shown his second yellow card in under four minutes, Kaka’ gracefully walked off the pitch with a smile on his face. He was in disbelief of what had happened, but secure in the fact that someone would make an extremely random remix (see: above) to vindicate him.