, , ,

In honor of the most only important match in the Spanish League, Audi has released an ad for the A1. In the minute and a quarter spot, one A1 is decorated in Madrid colors and the other in Barcelona Blaugrana. It seems that the designer car company failed to articulate the few facts that most everyone already knows about the rivalry.

Luxury abounds inside the elegantly designed, driver-oriented cockpit.

First off, Barcelona might be comparable to a compact, if flashy, luxury car with a smooth, efficient engine. Madrid, however, is more like the A5 model. For 40k, the driver of this true driver’s car gets a leather infused steering wheel, LED turn signals and plenty of lumbar support (all the accoutrement necessary for those who don’t care about the vehicle’s performance).

PHOTO: Audiusa.com

The all new A8 has moved luxury forward, solidifying the Audi commitment to excellence and refusal to settle for anything less.

But wait! Barcelona simply cannot be compared to car with less equity than the A5. They have won La Liga. They are the best team on the planet. This assessment, on my part, is ridiculous. If Madrid is the A5, than Barcelona is certainly, at least, the A8. The A8 is homegrown and innovative. It may as well be the car that came out of La Masia. To assume anything else is preposterous.

PHOTO: Audiusa.com

A rare and exclusive super car with high-design, captivating refinement and a heritage of racing dominance.

It’s true, Barcelona may be the A8. But clearly Madrid is something, anything better. After all, they won the Copa del Rey. That is at least worth a few more cup holders! More than that though, they are top of the league regardless of what happens in this weekend’s partido. Also, they were perfect in the group stages, more than perfect in fact! They have redefined the term, surpassing it. Yes, looking at Los Merengues, the only Audi option is the R8 supercar, in all of its impracticability.

PHOTO: Audiusa.com

It would be lightweight and strong.  Powerful and efficient.  Comfortable and exhilarating. With a compact exterior and a spacious interior. In short, a car that would unite qualities once thought to be mutually exclusive.

Yet, if Madrid is a $100,000 vehicle, it would only be fair to approximate the current Champions League holders as superior. Last year, they accompanied the European trophy with the domestic league title as well. Clearly, Barcelona should be a more desirable car than the R8. Their rigid fluidity allowed them to beat their rivals 5-0 last year. If Madrid is the R8, than Barcelona isn’t even an Audi. It’s a McLaren MP4-12C. Suck it.

PHOTO: McLaren.com

Ideally, trillion dollar weapons system programs should not be the route to peace, but history often takes a less than direct path to conflict resolution and friendly competition.

A $200k McLaren does not make any sense. We were talking about Audis. If Barcelona may have won the past couple of years, but Madrid is the team of the future. Mourinho is a 2nd year type of coach. He will win everything this year, and next year and for all time. For this reason, Real Madrid is the concept of the yet-to-be-created Chinese stealth bomber with impossible-for-you-to-understand Chinese characters written next to it.

PHOTO: China – Shenyang J-XX Stealth Fighter / Concept Photo – irandefence.net via http://amazing-photography-blogz.blogspot.com

They’re like locusts. They’re moving from planet to planet… their whole civilization. After they’ve consumed every natural resource they move on… and we’re next.

That’s as stupid an argument as a Madrid fan is a human being. Madrid are not a concept. Barcelona is. Barca is more than a club! If any club is a concept, it is Barcelona. Madrid is just a collection of mercenaries. If Madrid are some futuristic stealth bomber, than Barcelona is, and always has been, that spaceship that blew up the White House in the 1996 blockbuster movie Independence Day. There is no question about it.

PHOTO: Centropolis Entertainment

THAT’S RIGHT! That’s what you get! Look at you, ship all banged up! WHO’S THE MAN? HUH? WHO’S THE MAN? Wait until I get another plane! I am going to lower your friends RIGHT BESIDE YOU!

That’s nonsense. Barcelona is in no way like a that spaceship. If Barcelona is the spaceship that blew up the white house in the 1996 blockbuster movie Independence Day, then Madrid is Will Smith. Fuck you.

PHOTO: Carlos Alvarez/Getty Images

For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.

Barcelona is better than Madrid, and therefore better than Will Smith. Barcelona is Jesus.

PHOTO: View Askew

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Barcelona is not Jesus. Because if Barcelona is Jesus, than Madrid is God.

PHOTO: Spyglass Entertainment

In numbers, this system proposed by these teams will result (illustrative figures) in the following distribution of TV money (based on the period between 05/06 and 09/10)

Madrid can’t be God. Jesus is God and Barcelona is Jesus. If Madrid is God, that would mean Barcelona and Madrid are the same thing. And that’s impossible:

PHOTO: Ligajusta.com