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ESPN/Soccernet: You’re the “World Wide Leader in Sports”. You dominate the American sports scene with a clever smorgasbord of highlights, commentary and showing Sportscenter 17 times a day. Since you made the 2006 World Cup almost unwatchable, you have made incredible progress including the stellar 2010 version. The existential void in my heart caused by Derek Rae’s departure to ESPN UK was unforgiving, but even that faded due to my love affair with Ian Darke. Good move. Then you mistake the League Championship with the Champions League

Really ESPN/Soccernet? Is this how you want to present yourself, by inferring that Millwall can win Europe this year? Get some fact checking. Although this is a relatively small mistake (akin to leaving the toilet seat up), you’re better than this. You know it.

ESPN’s Bid for 2018/22 World Cup Broadcasting Rights: You are the World Wide Leader’s attempt at securing the most coveted soccer sports programming in the world. Yes, sometimes your network may leave the toilet seat up on accident, but you’re loyal and we’ve grown fond of each other over the years. Now, you failed to secure the future of our relationship

Really ESPN’s Bid for World Cup Broadcasting Rights? You’re going to let FOX show us the World Cup? This is like you wanting me to experiment with other people to justify you wanting to sleep with someone else! Only is the other person you want me to see felt it necessary to allow Michael Strahan to explain to me  the difference between football and futbol? And by the way, congratulations Mike, you have killed any remaining innocence I might have kept from my childhood. So thanks ESPN. Thanks a shitload.

No, we can’t remain friends. Why?

Wynalda: I knew this day would come. You are a FOX Soccer presenter and host. You may be single-handedly responsible for my quarter-life crises. If Italy hadn’t won, I may have never recovered from the bitterness and negativity that you word-vomited all over the 2006 World Cup. After releasing you because of improper comments, ESPN’s overall coverage of the sport greatly improved. My World Cup experience was then guided by the sageness of Martin Tyler. I was happy. Now FOX has the World Cup…

Really Eric Wynalda? You just couldn’t let me watch my World Cup in peace, could you? You had to come back like a stalker ex-girlfriend who found out where I live, kidnapped the mailperson and then dressed up like them just so you could get back to ruining my life. For goodness sake Wynalda, stop thinking about stealing my cat and opening my bills.

Not cool Wynalda. Not. Cool.

John Harkes: You’re the former captain of the U.S. Men’s National Team and current ESPN commentator. Although you’re not solely credited with the collapse, you’re actions likely ruined the 1998 World Cup for the US and played at least some part in turning Eric Wynalda into a cynical douche…

Really John Harkes? You are the true assbag.

Assbag n: Captain who sleeps with teammate’s wife, ruining World Cup.

Now you are a sucky commentator and, because of your assbaggery, tarnisher of Eric Wynalda’s reputation (previously as the USMNT’s best scorer in history). Isn’t it possible that Wynalda could be an introspective, analytical savant? That he could be happy and supportive of the successes by the players on the modern USMNT. That he would be thankful that his former teammates were as good as they were instead of harpooning them for not being the world’s best? Not anymore assbag. THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS JOHN HARKES! BECAUSE YOU’LL SCREW IT ALL UP!

Anyway,

FOX: You are the major network that won the rights to broadcast the World Cup in 2018 and 2022. You have the opportunity to provide enlightened and coherent coverage. Please do not patronize us, the fans. You have a blueprint. For the past 15 years, ESPN has slowly learned that soccer’s audience is intelligent.

Really FOX. There’s no reason to screw this up. You have Bobby McMahon from FSR and Chris Kamara from Sky Sports at your disposal. LEAN ON THEM. THEY WILL GUIDE YOU. You have the capability, but please, for the love of all things Cobi Jones, don’t underestimate your audience. I promise, we’re not dumb… most of us.

Really, FOX, for all of us.